Paul and I have decided to never, EVER come back here for like.. a regular vacation. I’m supposed to have free wifi at this hotel but it says I have 6 hours left. I didn’t pay $900 for a hotel room with ‘wireless internet for just half of your stay’. The plane rides were bullshit. I spent the first one to Detroit digging my fingernails into the seat because I hadn’t been on a plane since I was six. And when you’re six you don’t know what the fuck anxiety is because you’re fucking six and dumb as a motherfucker. I’m surprised at how friendly the security at the airports in America are. They were totally cool with me wanting them to hand check my Polaroid film. I was like.. ‘AMAZING.’ No hassle. So then we get to Amsterdam and it’s like I’m in the fucking Twilight Zone. All of the signs are surprisingly in English because you know 80% of the people in that airport are there to smoke tons of weed and shit. Then the other 20% are retarded Asians that don’t know how to use a turnstyle (could NOT stop laughing), Afrikaans and Indians who were on their way back to Budapest and Zimbabwe, and Germans who think it’s totally awesome to go to the AIRPORT to shop for cologne and swarovski. At this point I was delirious as fuck and hadn’t slept in 24 hours. I figured I would be able to sleep for 2 1/2 hours in the seats but it was really uncomfortable and this really black dude was sitting across from us and I’m sure he could smell my crotch because I totally fucking could. I wanted a shower. I wanted a car. I wanted to lay in a bed in a hotel. I wanted food. So we went through security in Amsterdam because they had to check our carry on baggage again once you get to another country, and I ask them to hand check my Polaroid film and finally after 5 minutes of questions about ‘What the fuck is polaroid film’, they decide to hand check it BY RIPPING IT ALL OPEN. I rolled my eyes and she asked if it was okay and I was like.. ‘Well it’s fucked up, but yeah, go ahead’. Then they lost my fucking mole jaw necklace and when they found it, freaked out because it was a dead animal in a jar. OMG AMERICANS U CRAZY. By that time, I had felt completely raped and we walked as fast as we could to our terminal which was like 2 miles. If you’ve never been to the Amsterdam airport it is pretty much the biggest place I’ve ever been to in my life. Bigger than the Black Rock Desert. Bigger than space. Onward, to Bremen. The flight was 1 hour and I was just like.. jesus fucking christ please just let us get there. I don’t even remember the airport in Bremen. It was like some weird shack or something, and the plane that we got on seated about 80 people. It was called a ‘Fokker’ plane, I shit you not. Oh my god. Finally. The enterprise rental car. I’m pretty sure they were fucking with us because we had reserved an Audi but when she took us to our car it was a giant fucking Ford - which pretty much screams ‘HEY, I’M A GODDAMNED AMERICAN! SPIT ON ME!’. No one in Germany owns a Ford. They all drive Audi, BMWs, and Volkswagon.. so our car is giant. At this point I don’t give a shit. It’s 8 degrees and snowing and the bitch has heated seats and navigation in English.We drove 45 minutes north to Bremerhaven and I saw a ton of wind mills. So far I have only shot one photo because let’s face it. At that point I didn’t give a shit about anything.
We’ve been here for 3 days. So far I hate owls now because there are about 6 of them outside of our hotel window and they like to ‘talk’ to each other and also freak out when they hear a siren. They are like annoying dogs that bark all the time. I considered jumping 3 stories to my death yesterday because there are no screens on our windows. Is 3 stories even enough to kill someone? Whatever, I would go head first. Our hotel sucks. The walls are paper thin so if someone down the hall has diarrhea, you know it. The shower is a 3’x3’ stand up stall and the water is either scalding hot or lukewarm. It doesn’t understand how to be the perfect temperature because it is dumb. I had to ‘trick’ the internet into thinking I was still in America because apparently Germans don’t have luxuries like Netflix, or streaming television shows on MTV or Fox. (No Teen Mom 2 for me.) I wanted to still feel like I was in Tennessee so I bought salted pistachios and Coca-Cola and have been laying in bed in my underwear watching The United States of Tara and burping very loudly. I even brought a vibrator so I could watch porn very loudly and disturb the neighbors. Last night we had amazing sex and I was being pretty loud because let’s face it, I think it’s hot when other people can hear you having sex. Unless it’s someone in your family, then it’s just nasty. I think that the more pregnant I am, the harder we can have sex because my cervix is getting lost somewhere inside of me. Enough of that shit. Our beds are pretty awesome. It’s two twin beds pushed next to each other to make a big one. Great job, Germany, you’ve mastered the art of creating queen sized beds. Our mini bar is stocked with a giant Beck’s beer and some Champagne and apple juice. I want to get shithammered so hard, but I am resisting the opportunity to give our baby fetal alcohol syndrome. I brought the doppler so that we could listen to it and it’s still in there, kicking my insides and being alive like a good baby should. The baby is very active at this point, and I’m excited to get the fuck home and find out what we’re having.
In the morning they have this giant spread of insane cheeses, deli meats, breads and pastries, cereal, granola, fruit, eggs and bacon and sausage balls and baby brats. It’s fucking delicious and it totally gets me all pumped to go the fuck back to sleep. We eat and then we drive 5.4 kilometers to the Columbus Center where the shipyard is. Sometimes you have to wait forever for this stupid drawbridge but so far I’ve been kind of lucky to not have to wait for it. Just once, and then I started to cry. As a matter of fact I cried for the first two days we were here. Then Paul cried a little. He hates the job that he’s doing, and his boss is sending him nasty emails because Paul is unable to control the crew and what they do to the puppets. Apparently they have broken some already and also sawed off like the entire bottom half of one after Paul told them not to. He said yesterday that he just wanted to email him and tell him that he quit. I wanted to totally support him on that, but I couldn’t. He is miserable and they aren’t even done building the Disney Fantasy. He said there are no bathrooms available on the boat so he held his piss for 8 hours yesterday. I was so angry. His boss is flying here sometime in the next few days and Paul just wants to ask him if he can leave early. All of the things he needed to do is not going to take him ten days. If we have to stay the full ten days, he is almost certain that his boss is going to ask him to ride back with us to the airport, and I told Paul to tell him to go fuck himself. If he asks in front of me, I am personally going to tell him to fuck himself.
Last night we ate Mexican food. It was more like a nightclub. My tortilla chips were actually giant potato logs and my enchiladas were like… carrots and shit rolled up into a tortilla shell. They don’t know what cumin or chili powder, or cilantro is. Paul’s ‘pollo’ burrito consisted of cabbage, turkey strips, and carrots. All in all it was pretty fucking disgusting and I payed 26 euros for it, which in american translates to THIRTY FOUR FUCKING DOLLARS. Tonight I think we will try Greek or Italian. I am not looking forward to it. Everything here tastes the same.
I guess I’m done ranting. I’m going to stream some motherfucking Netflix and eat some 9 dollar sea salt caramel chocolates and Unisom because I can.
